I’ve been feeling down lately. It’s hard to describe if you’ve never experienced it. I’m restless, easily agitated, I want to be included but I want to be left alone. I want to be recognized but I don’t want attention. I don’t feel anything. I go through the motions of life, smiling when expected and trying to appear as normal as possible to others. I really just want to go to bed and sleep until I feel something.
I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder almost 20 years now. I’m a lot better than I was at that time but I still feel like I’m on the edge of a chasm, trying not to fall back into the darkness.
I know this feeling won’t last. Little things seem to be magnified out of proportion during this phase. Everything is personal, even when it isn’t. I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice.
These are the times when I stop writing on my blog. I don’t want to share about my fighting depression. That means I’m not perfect. Which I never claim to be, but like others, I strive for perfection even though I know it’s unattainable. Maybe that feeds into the voice that tells me I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough.
It’s a struggle.
I know it won’t last. It will flip like a light switch. Almost in an instant I’ll feel like myself again. I don’t know what will trigger that but it will come. Until then I’ll retreat into myself. Get my work done, speak only when spoken to, try to look for the little things that make me smile.
Depression lies. I’m not going to fall for it but I accept this is a part of me.