GentleSoul Arts

Living a Creative Life


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Cycles of Depression

I’ve been feeling down lately. It’s hard to describe if you’ve never experienced it. I’m restless, easily agitated, I want to be included but I want to be left alone. I want to be recognized but I don’t want attention. I don’t feel anything. I go through the motions of life, smiling when expected and trying to appear as normal as possible to others. I really just want to go to bed and sleep until I feel something.

I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder almost 20 years now. I’m a lot better than I was at that time but I still feel like I’m on the edge of a chasm, trying not to fall back into the darkness.

I know this feeling won’t last. Little things seem to be magnified out of proportion during this phase. Everything is personal, even when it isn’t. I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice.

These are the times when I stop writing on my blog. I don’t want to share about my fighting depression. That means I’m not perfect. Which I never claim to be, but like others, I strive for perfection even though I know it’s unattainable. Maybe that feeds into the voice that tells me I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough.

It’s a struggle.

I know it won’t last. It will flip like a light switch. Almost in an instant I’ll feel like myself again. I don’t know what will trigger that but it will come. Until then I’ll retreat into myself. Get my work done, speak only when spoken to, try to look for the little things that make me smile.

Depression lies. I’m not going to fall for it but I accept this is a part of me.


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Merry Go Round

I was leery of publishing my post from yesterday, but I’m glad I did.  Once I hit publish and closed my computer, I didn’t think much about the situation.  I watched TV as the puppies played until it was time to get ready for an Urban Sketching workshop.

For every down in life, there’s an up.  The workshop was great fun, and I was able to catch up with friends I hadn’t seen in 6 months, or more.  There were some new faces and I hope they begin to attend our Urban Sketching meetup.   We’re a small group right now but we’re also less than a year old.

After sketching at the workshop, I sketched some more at home in the evening, finished up a Buddha painting I plan on hanging in my meditation/yoga room.  I’ll post photos of it to Instagram this evening when it’s hanging.

I try to stay positive, and present a sparkly rainbow bunny to others, but I think squashing down those instances of frustration and anger cause them to brew and bubble.   Festering like an infection that you ignore until amputation is required.   I don’t intend to become a chronic complainer but speaking my truth in all aspects of emotions.  Events yesterday were good, and I enjoyed myself.  Honestly, events on  Saturday were good with the exception of a few interactions.

My intention for this week is to speak my truth, and work on being heard when in a group.   If I feel I need to be heard.   It is more fun to observe and note how others interact.

Namaste.


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Comfort Zone Edges

Yesterday I did some things outside of my comfort zone.  I travelled across town to an area I’m unfamiliar with to meet with a geocachers group.  I’m uncomfortable talking to people I don’t know or don’t know well, and initiating a conversation is torture.

But I did initiate a conversation, or tried to, with one person and was told multiple times “I have no idea what you’re even saying”.  I’ve talked to this person at a few previous events and everything was pleasant enough.   After this encounter, I was annoyed, frustrated and honestly have no intention of engaging with them again. Ever.

These emotions carried with me on the rest of my day.   As I was telling my husband something, I was interrupted so I shut down.  He asked me to continue what I was saying but I didn’t want to.  I was on the verge of eruption.  I had asked a question multiple times at the geocaching event, but no one answered.   When I mentioned that, the attempted conversation and the interruption to my husband and how frustrated I am with being ignored or talked over, he went into “fixer” mode.  You need to speak up for yourself, and say “Excuse me but I wasn’t finished with what I was saying…”   How the hell is that going to work when I’m interrupted and talked over?   I would have thought out of everyone in my life, he would be the most understanding of how difficult it is for me to speak to others in general, and have been supportive instead of mansplaining how I need to handle it.

I push the edges of my comfort zone only to have them reinforced.