GentleSoul Arts

Living a Creative Life


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A Creative Life

I’m still feeling out of sorts (it’s been a long few months) but I had an ‘ah-ha’ moment earlier. I’m looking at ‘creativity’ as something to produce a tangible product. Something to put in my Etsy shop (I have one but I’ve never finished setting it up) or a service to offer. This morning as I was looking through my bookcase I noticed the Ernest Holmes book Creative Mind. I bought it while going through a local church’s Science of Mind classes. I was expecting an artistic book and was disappointed it turned out to be about spiritual law and connecting with Source. I’m really drawn to New Thought but I spiral around it, or maybe orbit around it is a better term? I come close, but then drift away and come back, drift away. I’ve done that with my artistic projects as well.

What if I use the word Artistic for drawing, painting, knitting, and the word Creative for connecting with Source, Secret Messages, looking for Hope and Joy in my daily activities? That makes a HUGE difference in my mindset.

I can be creative without being artistic. The pressure is off. I already feel like a weight has been lifted.


Ghosting Life

I haven’t felt like writing, or really doing much of anything lately. I thought it was seasonal and I’d feel better once the days became longer. I have moments when I feel okay. Only moments.

I’ve deleted some of my social media – I should update that here too. Everything feels overwhelming. Nothing I could do would really matter in the grand scheme of things. I follow my routine. Wake up, care for the pets, go to work, come home, care for the pets, go to bed. Rinse and repeat. If I didn’t have the pets I’d spend as much time as I could sleeping. A way to escape.

I’m sure I’ll feel better eventually. It’s like a carousel where the horses move up and down, up and down. Right now I’m in a down phase. No need for alarm, it’ll cycle through like it always does.


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Adventures in Painting (a shed)

Oh it was a busy weekend! First I road 30 miles, my longest distance so far, in training for a 33 mile ride in November. A ride I signed up for next month has been changed to a virtual only event, so I wonder if the November ride will follow suit. Get your vaccine people! So that afternoon I was pretty immobile. I did not get my normal post ride headache. I started to get a headache so I would grab some salt and put it under my tongue. I did that every time I felt a headache starting, which seemed like most of the afternoon, but it didn’t go into full blown migraine mode. Maybe I’ve solved the post ride headache mystery.

The next day my mother-in-law was in town and helped paint the shed that was built last month. I think we have about 90% done. I’ll work on the trim this week and my husband will paint the top sides that I wasn’t comfortable painting on the ladder. This was the 1st time in over 30 years that I painted that wasn’t an art canvas. My mom’s voice was in my head loud! “You’re dripping paint, watch what you’re doing”. “You’re getting paint everywhere” “You’re not doing that right, you’re just making a mess”. Every time time a drop of paint landed on me, or the ground, BOOM there’s my mom. I kept reminding myself paint was getting on the walls and we bought WAY too much paint so it’s not like it was being wasted if I dropped some.

I was on the edge of an emotional breakdown. Comments made were hitting a bit harder than they normally would. I tried to explain to my husband, but was told “Don’t be X, be Y instead”… and repeated questions about what color the doors would be, I had to get away and hid in my closet for a bit. No more than 5 minutes, I don’t think anyone noticed I was gone, or upset.

I’m glad to have a quiet day today, prep for the beginning of next month and have time to myself. If you’re struggling today, you’re not alone. Let’s take one moment, one task at a time, pause to rest when needed and if you’re able to have a self-care day enjoy you’re favorite activities.


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Cycles of Depression

I’ve been feeling down lately. It’s hard to describe if you’ve never experienced it. I’m restless, easily agitated, I want to be included but I want to be left alone. I want to be recognized but I don’t want attention. I don’t feel anything. I go through the motions of life, smiling when expected and trying to appear as normal as possible to others. I really just want to go to bed and sleep until I feel something.

I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder almost 20 years now. I’m a lot better than I was at that time but I still feel like I’m on the edge of a chasm, trying not to fall back into the darkness.

I know this feeling won’t last. Little things seem to be magnified out of proportion during this phase. Everything is personal, even when it isn’t. I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice.

These are the times when I stop writing on my blog. I don’t want to share about my fighting depression. That means I’m not perfect. Which I never claim to be, but like others, I strive for perfection even though I know it’s unattainable. Maybe that feeds into the voice that tells me I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough.

It’s a struggle.

I know it won’t last. It will flip like a light switch. Almost in an instant I’ll feel like myself again. I don’t know what will trigger that but it will come. Until then I’ll retreat into myself. Get my work done, speak only when spoken to, try to look for the little things that make me smile.

Depression lies. I’m not going to fall for it but I accept this is a part of me.