GentleSoul Arts

Living a Creative Life

Showing Up

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Since I have a quiet day at home,  I decided I’d work on a canvas that has been hanging on my painting wall for months now.  I believe it’s my last unfinished larger canvas.  I spent 2018 concentrating on urban sketching so my canvases were neglected in favor of sketchbooks.

It was a frustrating painting session. My acrylic paints are an amalgamation of tubes collected through the years.  Some may easily be 30 years old or close to it.  I went through them, maybe this time last year, and got rid of ones that were impossible to squeeze out.   I need to repeat that process.

The bottles of craft paint, most inherited from my mom when she passed, have separated and are so runny they make for a nice wash, but nothing more.  I’ll go through those paints as well.

I intuitively selected a palate, and began working the canvas.  I tried to let go and just fall into the colors but I noticed little bits of brush hairs dried into the previous layers of the paint.  Cheap chip brushes.  Why don’t I use better quality items?  All these cheap brushes are crap and I should get rid of them with the crappy dried up paints.

Uh oh…. I’m starting to slip.  I like some of the colors I mixed.  A nice brick-red that reminds me of dried blood.   I color up the happier brighter colors painted months ago with the bricky blood-red.  That should have been another sign.

I sorted out some more paint and this looked like shit.  Really, brown shit of overmixed paint.  Ugh.  Do I actually enjoy this?   If I did, why do I only paint every few months.  Is it something I want to enjoy?  Why do I paint?  What’s the point of any of it?

I put the mucky brown paint brushes into my water bucket, and grab the spray bottle to try to wipe down some of the uglier colors.   I’m not sure how but as I turned to put the spray bottle back on The Caaarrt (aka the Ikea Raskog) I knocked over the bucket of water.

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I’m done.  I’m so done.

I have the towels washing now.  I’ll take a break for a bit, and maybe grab a glass of cream sherry and I’ll spend New Years Eve cleaning out dried up paints, supplies that I have collected over the years but never used.

I showed up today, even if the end results were a minor catastrophe. I’ve learned what I want to concentrate on and what I’m ready to leave behind.  So it was worthwhile.

 

Author: gentlesoularts

A 40-something working mom of 3, happily married, wanting to find a quiet spot to art, burn incense & do some yoga.

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