GentleSoul Arts

Living a Creative Life


1 Comment

My Mind is Numb

I want to be consistent with this writing thing, but when I sit down with my laptop, I don’t have any ideas.  A lot has happened in the last 3 days.  Worried mama type things. Spontaneous crying.  My son had an incident at work. A fall causing a seizure, or a seizure causing a fall.  No one saw what happened. A phone call from the paramedics asking what hospital I wanted him to go to will haunt me.  I arrived at the ER expecting to see him unconscious, hooked up to machinery. He was standing, putting his shirt back on. One side of his face was covered in dried blood.   A cut on the side of his head. I know head wounds bleed a lot. A fractured vertebra we found out about later.  They took him for a scan.  I heard on the intercom “Code Blue in CT Room 1”  I knew it was him.   He doesn’t remember much from the hospital, and virtually nothing after the second seizure and was medicated.

Luckily, he’s back to himself now, despite random bouts of nausea and vomiting. (I honestly don’t need to hear your explanation of concussion symptoms. I’ve been given more advice on concussions (which he was NOT diagnosed with) than a pregnant woman gets on childrearing.)

The coming week will be busy.  The next few months my routine will be disrupted.  I don’t care about any of that, as long as he’s okay.  I’m trying to not hover like a mama hawk. Technically, he IS an adult.  I’ve hugged him more the last 3 days than I have in the past 3 months.  He knows I’m worried.  Luckily, he tolerates me.   I hated when my mom treated me like a child even when I was in my 30s and 40s.  I honestly don’t think she ever saw me as a functioning adult.  I’m working on giving him space but being available if needed.

I know moms who have lost children. I can’t even begin to imagine what they have gone through.  I feel like my worry is, insignificant? compared to their experiences.  And I feel guilty.

I’m focusing on catching up housework, and laundry.  I went out for a while and sketched.  I’ve mowed.   I decided to write although I feel this is more of a rambling stream of consciousness.   Maybe getting it all out of my head will help.  Or I’ll just go clean out the fridge.

 


Leave a comment

Facing Fear

I turned 50 recently, and with that, thinking about what I miss out on because I’m afraid.

  • Afraid of what people may think
  • Afraid it will be too difficult
  • Afraid of being uncomfortable

I’ve seen 2 rabbits in less than 24 hours.  One last night in a yard as I was riding my bike (facing a fear) and one this morning while driving to work.  The one this morning was laying in the grass easement next to a busy divided highway.

A quick search on the metaphysical meaning of Rabbit mentioned facing & flushing out fear.  Wow… that’s exactly what I’ve been contemplating lately.

I had taken some Soulodge courses with Pixie Lighthorse 6 years ago or so, and I’m certain Rabbit was one of them.  I’m sure I have the lessons saved on my external hard drive at home.

This past weekend, I put my fear aside.  I went alone to a knitting group for the 1st time.  I wasn’t sure what to expect. I figured if worse came to worst, I can sit in a corner and focus on my knitting.   I really had a great time. It was a small group and everyone was friendly.  I managed to get a good chunk done on a sock (now finished).  I’m planning on what I want to start for the meeting next month.

Then in the afternoon, I went to a writing group.  I know I’m a sporadic blogger and would like to change that.  This group was very inspirational and I had a lot of ideas brewing for upcoming topics.  Maybe I’ll adventure more and try my hand at poetry.

In the evening – still the same day – I went to a wine tasting for cyclists.  I’m not actually a cyclist, but I do plan on getting there.  The women I met were very encouraging, which instigated my 1st ride last evening, where I saw Rabbit.  Facing my fears after stories of falls and crashes.

Everything comes back full circle.


Leave a comment

Spring ahead

Monday after I got back from South Carolina, I finally caught the respiratory infection / bronchitis that has been going around the office,  I spent 2 days mostly sleeping, then another 4 days sleeping as often as I could.    I’m starting to feel more like myself and now I get to play catch up with office work and house work.

It also means everything is back to a normal routine, I haven’t sketched much so I’ve been listening to creative podcasts for inspiration and maybe some challenges to participate in.  The weather is getting warmer, albeit rainy, so I’d like to get out to geocache. I’ve been reading a lot, one for a book club that meets in a few weeks and the other because it was mentioned in a podcast and once I started it, I was hooked.  I may do reviews on them.  I don’t feel educated enough to do book reviews, so maybe not.

I want to dig my bike out of the garage.  I want to start taking the dogs on walks in the evenings.  I want to start doing yoga again (I don’t know what happened after January). I want to clean up the flowerbeds.

But right at this very moment, I need to get ready for work.

 


Leave a comment

There and Back Again

I am back home after my trip to South Carolina.  It was a whirlwind of activity and now I’m playing catch up at home and work.

The flight out of Oklahoma was delayed slightly but there were no problems making the connection in Houston.  I had come to accept the fact that there’s nothing I can do to control flights, lay overs, delays or cancellations so there wasn’t any point in getting worked up about it.   I resolved to go with the flow, and fortunately everything went smoothly.

I had forgotten how much I love the sensation of take off in a plane.   Taxing to speed and then that little lurch in your stomach as the plane achieves lift.   The turns where you’re looking straight down out the window…. I may be claustrophobic but I’m not afraid of heights!20190304_095514_002

Then I had a “Headspace” moment (Headspace is a meditation app) where it’s often commented that regardless of the weather and clouds we experience in our minds, the sun is still shining above the clouds.    Flying above the clouds with the sun shining off the wing although I had just 15 mins earlier had been on an icy, cold, grey ground was very poignant.

20190304_103952

I don’t usually have a problem sketching in public but I wasn’t comfortable sketching in such close conditions as on a plane. I forced myself to get my sketchbook though, because I knew this was a rare opportunity.

img_20190304_181220_652

Monday evening I had a chance to meet up with an Art Friend I had met online a few years back.  I participated in her Travel Art Journal round robin and it was great to finally meet IRL.  Danni showed me the waterfalls in the downtown Greenville area and we stopped at Spill The Beans for coffee and chatted for quite a while.

 

Tuesday was all day training, and dinner with the training group but I did get to meet a local geocacher, The Scout Master and his wife for an hour of geocaching.  It was late when the dinner group got back to the hotel and I’m not a night owl anyway. I did get my South Carolina state souvenir and signed 3 puzzle caches I had solved.

Wednesday was another day of training, and then we left straight for the airport.  No delays this time, although when I checked in my kiosk printed ticket read “SEE AGENT” for my seat from Houston to OKC.  I started to get anxious I was going to be bumped but my seat was assigned at the gate.

It was great being back home and kind of weird to drive again after being shuttled around for 3 days.  I had 2 days back in the office to play catch up before next week and this weekend is time to play catch up at home.

I’m not sure I would want to travel regularly for work.  It is completely exhausting but once in a while would be okay.

 

 


Leave a comment

In 24 hours

Tomorrow morning, I’ll get ready and head to the airport.  At this point,  I just want to get it over with.

I was excited about meeting up with geocachers in the area, and I am still excited at the idea of my 1st out-of-state geocache.   But when I told some coworkers, their reaction was less than supportive.   I meeting and going into a car with someone I didn’t know?  That’s how you get murdered.  For the past week I’ve been regaled with stories from Forensic Files, interviews with psychiatric patients and documentaries on serial killers.   Because dealing with my travel anxiety wasn’t enough, let’s throw some general anxiety into the mix.

I’m tired of living in fear of things that don’t come to pass.  What if I’m involved in a fatality collision driving to or from work?  I live near an airport, what if a plane crashes into the house?    What if someone throws a cigarette out when driving pass and catches the house on fire?

How much have I missed out on?

What if…  I meet some new people and have a great time.

What if… I explore a new city and discover some cool local hot spots.

What if…  I get to go back and now have IN REAL LIFE friends to geocache with.

and as my husband has suggested,  What If… this trip inspires more travel and weekend road trips to new places.

I guess we’ll see what happens if I get back from my trip.

 

 


Leave a comment

The Battle of Brain and Stomach

I can tell myself I’m excited about my trip and looking forward to meeting up with new & old friends, but my stomach isn’t buying it.

Now I can down count the days until take off on one hand.  I’m waking up in the mornings nauseated. I have a huge box of chewable Pepto.  After I start my day my stomach calms down, only to knot itself up again as I’m getting ready for bed in the evening.

I’m exhausted from battling with myself!   When my mind goes into future or past events, I do my “present moment” meditation.  I think to myself “Right this very moment I am….  sitting in my chair, typing on my laptop, hearing the cat meow”      If I am in a tense situation in the present moment (like driving on slick roads as has been the case recently) I remind myself this is only a small portion of the 24 hours of my day.    The 30 minute drive is only .02% of the 1440 minutes of my day.

These little games work with my brain, but not so much with my stomach.  I’m at a loss on how to convince my stomach to relax and enjoy the adventure.

Namaste.


Leave a comment

Travel Excitement

I have a few drafts of travel adventures when I was young but work has gotten crazy busy.   I  may post them in future or scrap them all together.  Even if I’m not writing, I have been thinking that the enjoyment I’ve had in travelling outweighs the few problems and snags that have occurred.

I am excited now about my upcoming work trip.  I’m in single digits countdown and while it would be unrealistic to think I won’t have a few short moments of  sudden panic, I am genuinely excited.

I contacted a geocacher in the area and have made plans one evening after training to pick up some easier caches.  No bushwhacking, tree climbing or playing tunnel rat (like I’d ever go into a tunnel anyway!).   Just some simple skirts and I’ve solved a few puzzles to sign as well.

Then today scrolling through IG, I realized an art friend lives in the area.  She’s always hiking and posting photos so it should have clicked sooner.   I messaged her and yep, her AND another art friend lives there.  I’ve known them through social media for years so we’re planning on meeting another evening.

I’m kind of bummed I’m going to have to spend the day doing work stuff before I can hang out with friends.

Namaste.